Last night I was literally laying in my bed watching the minutes tick by on my roommates clock. I got to thinking. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. Here I am supposedly half way done with college and I cant picture where I want to be in 20 years let a lone 5. I am not satisfied with my major, I feel like I am wasting my time and money on an education that I am not getting anything out of, and I just do not know what I am doing with my life.
I then got to thinking about what I have done with the last 19 years of my life. I have had some wonderful opportunities but there are things I would change if I could go back. You know all those cliche songs and poems and quote about if you could write a letter to yourself or travel back in time and tell yourself what to do. I think I would take the chance to do just that. I would tell myself to not get fat, to go out and make friends instead of curling up with a book and food. I would tell myself to study harder, get better grades, and get involved early. I would make sure my dad was screened for cancer earlier. I would tell myself to practice the piano more and get better. I would tell myself to stay close to the Lord. I would tell myself to always pray morning and night, and to always read my scriptures. I would warn myself of the mistakes I have made and implore myself to not make them.
OK, so where would that leave me? I don't know but I can't help but think that I would be a better person (I honestly love who I am but these would be awesome improvements).
But I can't change the past. I can't do anything to remedy the trials I have been through. So now I focus on the future, but the problem with that is I don't know, I cannot see nor predict my future. I don't even know what I want to do.
I am so used to living my life one day at a time. It was easier that way. I started doing that when my dad got sick. Just take it a day at a time. Hold yourself together for 15-20 hours then start anew the next morning. That is how I survived. Now it has been over 3 years and I am still doing that. I am surviving, not thriving. But I am stuck. I cannot seem to find the path that was made for me. I feel like I am just floundering around.
So I have concluded that I am just a work in progress. I don't know what I am doing with my life. I am trying to lose weight, I am striving to become a better member Mormon, and I am trying to find my way.
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